Beyond Deservingness

Embracing Authentic Relationships and True Connection

Hello lovelies,

This was the post I started writing before I went on holiday, and I initially intended to focus on the concept of worth. In fact, I had titled it ‘Recognition of Worth: Balancing Self-Worth and Relationships.’ But as I sat with the themes, I found myself reflecting more on how we navigate judgment, deservingness, and the impact these have on our relationships. Even this week, with the ‘Ecstasy’ card from the Les Vampires Oracle in the reading I called ‘Yielding is Smarter Not Harder’, the theme of surrender and yielding came up – but “only with one worthy of your beautiful surrender.” So, I’ve re-arranged a few things, and instead, this post is about exploring how we can move away from conditional judgments, show up from a place of our own intrinsic worth, and create more balanced, authentic relationships. I am in no way, shape or form saying that what follows here is the entirety of relating, but rather a starting point. We’ll delve deeper into recognising inherent worth next season, as we explore the Scorpio-Taurus axis.

When talking about self-worth, I always think it is valuable to take a moment to differentiate between self-worth and self-esteem as often they can be used interchangeably and I do see a difference between them. I also think exploring this difference allows us to know the difference between our intrinsic worth and not rely on external validation to basically feel good about ourselves.

This is not to say that events outside of us do not impact us. Self-esteem is our subjective evaluation of our own worth or abilities at any given moment. It reflects how we feel about ourselves based on our perception of our achievements, capabilities, and the external feedback we receive. Because self-esteem is tied to our emotional response to external circumstances, it can fluctuate - rising when we succeed or receive praise, and falling when we face rejection, criticism, or failure. Self-esteem is dynamic and context-dependent. It’s influenced by how we perceive ourselves in specific situations, and the emotional fluctuations related to self-esteem are natural and healthy. In fact, I believe the more we step away from patterns of ‘blame, shame and guilt’ and focus on how we are feeling and reacting, the greater these emotional fluctuations. When I talk about honouring how we feel, this is what I am referring to. In contrast, self-worth is a more stable and intrinsic sense of value, and it also acts as a stabilising influence on self-esteem fluctuations.

Self-worth is the inherent sense of value that a person holds about themselves, independent of external circumstances, achievements, or others' opinions. It reflects a stable and internal belief that one's value is intrinsic and unchanging, rooted in the recognition that our existence alone is valuable. Self-worth isn’t affected by successes or failures, praise or criticism, and remains constant even when our self-esteem fluctuates. It acts as a grounding force, providing resilience and self-acceptance through life’s challenges, allowing us to recognise our own worthiness regardless of external outcomes or societal measures of value. Self-worth is about understanding that you are enough just as you are, without needing to prove or earn your value. It’s an unshakeable foundation that supports us even when our self-esteem wavers.

I’ll share here, my own journey with self-worth as an example. It was actually as a by-product of working with the idea of self-love. A few years ago, I was at this really great place where I felt so good about how much I had grown in terms of loving myself. I had this thought: would I still feel the same way about myself if I messed up in a really profound way? The example I chose to question myself with was: “What if I inadvertently caused someone’s death? Would I still feel this way about myself?” Honestly, the answer at the time was no – I would have deemed myself as unworthy of love. Thus, I recognised the conditional and transactional nature of my own self-love. I began to think about worth and realised that I was judging myself and others as worthy or unworthy of love, and to my horror, I realised that I, along with other well-meaning practitioners, were labelling this as healthy and showcasing it as healing.

This judgement is so easy to do, even when we are self-aware. When I was younger, I would judge others because I had no self-awareness. But when I became more self-aware, I just switched the focus of my judgement from others to myself. When I say switched, I mean in awareness, because even in my judgement of others, I was always projecting my own self-judgements. It wasn’t the focus that was the problem; it was the judgement itself, which was based on a criteria of deservingness.

Think about it: when we believe people deserve love, we also start to believe there are circumstances where they don’t. And that’s a slippery slope. Suddenly, it becomes easier to justify cruelty or mistreatment because, in our minds, that person just didn’t measure up to the criteria that would make them worthy. This way of thinking doesn’t just harm others, it also traps us in a cycle of conditional self-worth, where we keep tallying up all the ways we’ve been good or bad, just to decide whether or not we “deserve” to feel good about ourselves. It’s exhausting, and it’s never-ending.

The idea of deservingness is something I’ve been moving away from, especially after the divisiveness of 2020 that erupted both in the media and online—as well as in personal conversations. Because when we say that someone “deserves” love or respect, we’re automatically introducing the opposite notion - that at other times, or for other people, love and respect can be withheld. It’s a subtle but profound way of setting conditions on something that I believe shouldn’t be conditional in the first place. When we start basing our self-worth, or someone else’s worth, on whether they’re deserving, it becomes a judgment—a judgment that’s arbitrary, subjective, and often harmful. For a while now, but particularly since 2020, there has been a climate of judging our own and one another's worth based on holding and supporting the ‘correct’ causes and ideologies.

To me, this whole notion of deservingness feels like a form of commodification. As if our worth can be measured or weighed against some invisible scale, and if we just “pay” the right price - through being good enough, doing enough, sacrificing enough - then we can access love, respect, or recognition. But worth isn’t something you earn because we are always enough. Worth is something that is intrinsic, unchanging, and not up for negotiation. So when we start to judge ourselves or others based on who deserves what, we lose sight of true worth. We end up placing a price tag on something that’s priceless.

Even worse, this judgement of deservingness can lead to a sense of entitlement. We can feel victimised because we believe we are ticking all the ‘right’ boxes and yet not receiving the recognition, treatment, or status we now feel we are entitled to.

What I’m suggesting here is that we start looking at worth beyond deservingness. It’s about honouring our value, regardless of circumstances, and recognising that everyone has this core worth that’s independent of what they do or don’t do. Moving past the idea of deservingness frees us from judgment and opens us up to a deeper, more authentic connection with ourselves and others. We start seeing people for who they are, rather than for what they’ve done or not done. And that, I believe, is where real recognition of worth begins.

The idea that allows me to see beyond all my surface-level preferences and judgements is one question: “What does it mean to be human?” I believe this is a question we are all trying to answer in our own way through the way we live. Humanity is the one thing we all have in common. One way of keeping this mindset at the forefront of my interactions is to see the human behind the action or statement. I’m less interested in what people believe or do and more interested in their motivation. I’m not going to lie though, when talking to people in my own life from this desire to understand them and their motivations, I have run into some challenges.

For example, recently I was talking to a friend and we were discussing her views on politics. I wasn’t at all agreeing or disagreeing with her views, as for me, that wasn’t the point of the conversation. I wanted to understand why she felt so strongly. But every time I asked her about how what she was describing impacted her, she became more and more defensive. I have known this friend for decades, and so, when she became defensive, she began to make personal attacks, bringing up things about me. I knew she was trying to make me feel how she was feeling - attacked. So I stopped and explained I wasn’t disagreeing with her, and that I wanted to understand her, and that she didn’t need to justify her ideas and feelings to me. This helped her to remember I was her friend, but I don’t think she had thought about why any of what she was describing affected her so deeply. Instead, she felt it was inherently obvious why the policies should be judged in the way she judged them. I could only recognise this in her because I too have done this so many times.

I think we are so used to having to justify ourselves that we’re not used to connecting with one another at a deeper level. How many times have you told someone how you feel and are then questioned about what happened, in a way to see whether you are justified in feeling the way you feel? Or we make a statement about an idea or belief, and it becomes about the idea or belief, the humans get forgotten. I am in no way, shape, or form saying that all feelings, beliefs, and ideas are correct or even justified. I am saying that the way to truth, connection, and understanding is not to focus on the expression, but on the inherent worth of the individual we are dealing with and, from that starting place, then we can come to a place of truth individually and within the relationship.

I think people like familiarity, and there is an accepted, familiar social dance, that even if not always pleasant, is one most people know well. They can deal with it, and most choose to engage or not engage. I think even when we are attempting to communicate with one another in a non-judgemental way, trying to connect at a deeper level, we introduce an energy that is unpredictable. Because we are so used to the dance of judgement and justification, we feel this must also be an attempt to engage in that way but now, worse, it’s in an alien way, leading to us feeling even more vulnerable and defensive.

I think it’s important that we attempt to have these conversations with one another, as difficult as they are, because it is the only way we ourselves will show up authentically and make space for others to do the same, so we can actually connect with each other from a deep, meaningful place. None of us have been taught to do this. In fact, part of all of our upbringings has been to learn ways to gain approval and acceptance. In many ways, we’re still trying to be the good little boys and girls we were taught to be. So it is important to show ourselves and others grace as we navigate these new ways of communicating with one another.

We can do this by keeping our focus on the fact that we all have inherent worth, even if others don’t see or value it. What does it even mean to not have worth to others? Worth isn’t something that can be quantified or decided by anyone else. It’s not contingent on someone recognising or appreciating it - it exists independently, just as we exist. Too often, we look for our self-worth to be validated by others - we seek approval, agreement, or permission to be. But that’s not self-worth; that’s an attempt to get others to confirm what we’re not yet sure of within ourselves.

It’s so easy to get caught up in superficial measures of worth. We’ve been taught that our value is tied to what we can produce, how well we conform, or even how we ‘make’ others feel. But these are all external measures, reflections of someone else’s standards, maybe even outdated societal standards, and they have nothing to do with who we truly are. When we focus on such transactional criteria, we create conditions for worth rather than recognising its inherent nature.

This misunderstanding spills over into how we view relationships. People often confuse non-transactional relationships with those that lack mutual support or reciprocity. This couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s a fair question to ask, “If self-worth isn’t transactional, then how do we have reciprocal relationships?” The answer lies in resonance, not in transactions. True reciprocity is about how our energies interact, how we respect each other’s worth, and how we show up for each other in ways that feel authentic - not just in what we give or take.

When we know our own worth, we’re able to show up authentically, without the need for validation. The best relationships don’t happen because people "give" us something we need, but because there’s a genuine recognition of who we are. It’s about being seen for who we are and seeing others for who they are - not as a reflection of our preferences or expectations, but as unique, complex individuals. This means we have to let go of the idea that people are only "worth" our time or energy when they fit into neat categories or align perfectly with our beliefs and values.

It’s easy to think that someone isn’t "worth" our time when they don’t agree with us or when they challenge us in uncomfortable ways. It’s easy to feel justified in moving on or claiming we’ve "outgrown" them. But I’m not sure that’s the best way forward. It feels like we’re missing the opportunity to create genuine balance in relationships. Growth doesn’t always mean leaving others behind - it can mean recalibrating, finding new ways to connect, and honouring the ebb and flow of each other’s journeys. But I do admit, that this is only possible when both people show up from a place of self-awareness of their own self-worth and are willing to share that with each other, and not just blame, shame, and guilt the other or demand surface level transactions.

This is where the scales of Libra come in. Balance isn’t static; it’s about a constant rebalancing to meet the present moment. One day, one side might hold the weight of sorrow or struggle, and the other side offers compassion and patience. The next day, the scales might tip toward joy and celebration, where we freely share and support one another. Relationships that remain balanced are those that allow for this dynamic shift - where we’re willing to engage, recalibrate, and find new equilibrium when things feel off-kilter. I mean, even without another person, we have days where we feel more ready to engage more fully with life, and days when we do not. Yet, we find ways to recalibrate and temper how we feel with the need to take care of our commitments and duties.

Yet, we often see relationships without conflict or challenges as "good" relationships. I see them as untested. We can’t know the strength of a connection until we’ve gone through the discomfort of misalignment and rebalancing. It’s through these experiences that we learn how to hold space for each other’s worth, rather than measuring what someone deserves or doesn’t deserve in that moment. Conflict doesn’t have to mean a break - it can mean the beginning of something deeper, a real chance to honour each other’s worth even when we’re in opposition. I can tell you as someone who has worked with the tarot for almost three decades, I have seen the life-changing and devastating appearance of The Tower card lead to as many deeper connections as to break ups, as those Tower moments reveal where we have been papering over the cracks and give us an opportunity to shore up a solid foundation on which to build.

So, when we shift away from deservingness and begin to honour the process of balancing, we open the door for real growth and change. We’re not keeping tabs or expecting others to prove themselves worthy. We’re letting go of those arbitrary scales of judgment, recognising that relationships are about a dynamic flow of energy and connection. This is true reciprocity - not based on transactions or expectations, but on respect, alignment, and a willingness to show up and engage. We recognise that we are building something – a relationship – together, and what we pour in and share of ourselves speaks to the strength of that relationship.

It’s also why I think it’s so important to remember that energy flows differently at different times. We may not always get back the same amount of love, attention, or support in each moment, but that doesn’t mean the relationship isn’t reciprocal. Sometimes, the balance requires us to give more; other times, it asks us to step back. When we trust this natural flow, we honour each other’s worth without turning it into a negotiation or an obligation. It also means that the burden to maintain a relationship does not land solely on one person, who then has to contort themselves to maintain the balance. It becomes a shared dance.

Maybe that’s what true worth is about - seeing every interaction as part of a larger dance of energy and connection. We’re all finding our way, seeking meaning, and answering the question of what it means to be human in our own unique ways. There’s no final answer or one-size-fits-all approach. There’s just the constant act of showing up authentically and allowing others to do the same, recognising that our worth - and theirs - was never up for debate in the first place.

The greatest gift we can offer is to show up with vulnerability and honesty, inviting the same from each other. We won’t all balance and engage in the same way. We won’t all agree, want the same things, or have the same solutions. But when we connect from this place of true recognition, we can create something meaningful together - something more valuable than any superficial measures of worth. We can come up with solutions that don’t involve crushing the opposition or declaring who’s right and who’s wrong, but that build towards mutual understanding and growth. In my next post, I will be looking at how it’s not ‘me vs we’ but rather ‘without we, there is no me’.