Suffering, the Void & Dhumavati

“Do not fear to suffer; - cares sink back
Into the earth again from their heaviness;
Heavy are the mountains, heavy are the seas.

The trees which you planted as a child
Have long since grown too heavy; you do not deceive them.
But the winds ... but the spaces ...”
― Rainer Maria Rilke, Sonnets to Orpheus

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This talk didn’t go quite as planned, even as a fourth attempt. Both Gibson and I strayed from the initial intention, but that feels fitting for the topic. I rarely share these aspects of my life in this way, but it feels necessary now, even though I’m not sure if I feel more capable or less capable of doing so.

We’re all aware of suffering, both conceptually and experientially. I’ve experienced the void before, even if I didn’t have the language to describe it at the time. Some of those experiences I’ve shared openly on Discord over the past five years, in all their strangeness and with all the accompanying discomfort. What’s new here isn’t the experience itself but a different understanding of it. This is an attempt to explore and share these experiences in a different way.

At the end of this talk, I give an example of the smoker who wants to quit. I want to repeat that here and more fully draw the comparison with why we’re talking about this.

If you’re thinking about quitting smoking, you’ll find plenty of motivational videos online. They’re short, positive, and focused on all the benefits of quitting - better health, more energy, freedom from addiction. They’re great for when you’re contemplating change, when you’re on the verge of making a decision. They give you hope and encouragement, and they’re designed to do just that.

But when you’re in the thick of it - when you’ve actually quit and you’re weeks in, feeling worse instead of better - those same motivational messages can make you feel like you’re failing. You’re not getting the promised benefits. You feel depressed, anxious, maybe even hopeless. And all you can find are videos telling you how great quitting is supposed to feel.

It’s not that the motivational stuff is wrong. Everything they say is true - the worst cravings do happen in the first three to five days. The physical changes they describe are accurate. But there’s more to it than that. There’s the emotional and mental reality of going through hell and not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. The reality is that most of the information out there gives you a pep talk you not only don’t need but also can’t relate to because it doesn’t reflect where you actually are.

It’s easy to feel hopeful and motivated when contemplating the beginning. It’s a different story when you’re in the thick of it, when you’ve made so much progress and come so far. It’s a myth to think growth and progress lead to just exponential happiness.

It’s the same with our spiritual journeys. And I think we’re in a time when not realising this would, at best, lead people to withdraw, to doubt themselves, to label their experience as a crisis in self-faith, and to completely overlook the progress and openness they are actually exhibiting.

That’s why we’re talking about this. Not to inspire or motivate a beginning, but to speak to the reality of being in it. And because we need to know that we’re all in this together. No, we’re not even all in this together. Together is all we are.

That’s what I hope this talk conveys, if nothing else. It’s just the beginning, but hopefully, the conversation will continue in the comments.